Make Up Your Own Jokes!

What did the Hedgehog say to the Plumber?

Big Issue, mate?

Got that joke printed in NGC magazine lol.

Why did the jelly baby get aids?

Because he slept with allsorts.
Reporter: Mr. Microsoft Programmer, is it true that Windows has massive memory leaks?

Microsoft Programmer: I will tell here and now, we have throughly tested our products, and we do not recall seeing ANY of the bugs posted around the Internet.

Reporter: Very well sir. Do you have anything to tell our viewers around the world?

Microsoft Programmer: Yes I do. Where do I live? I forgot.
I don't do jokes but I have been known to write the odd bit of parody and comedy. Here's my StarTrek TNG parody written circa 1995.

FAR TREK The next penetration

Chapter 1 Encounter my fartpoint

Captains log fardate 2907 ish, point something or other.

Commander Pillion Biker here. Captain John Luke Pickarse has come down with a serious case of Pirrelian Butt Squirt and has not been able to leave his cabin for some days now.

Orders from Farbase 78 have sent myself and the crew of the Federation Farship Chocolate Starfish hurtling through space towards the Alpha Clitorai system. The predominant species resident on the planet Vulvan, known simply as the Clitai have decided to join the federation at last.

* * * * * *

'Pickarse to Biker.' sang the Commanders shiny badge located in that part of your back which you just can`t seem to reach from above or below. Biker lent back in the captains high backed chair and heard the click as his badge engaged. 'Biker here captain.'

'You`ve got to help me Pill there is a clingon in my bathroom.' Biker struggled to cover his badge and turned to DR Heavenly Slusher.

'The Captain seems to think he`s got a clingon in his bathroom Heavenly what do you suggest I should do?'

'He`s obviously delirious. Keep him talking and I`ll go to his cabin straight away.' replied Heavenly.

'Biker....Biker.... What`s going on?' screamed the shiny badge.

'What does he look like sir?' asked Biker.

'Eh?... He`s tall, dark and muscular!' exclaimed Pickarse with more than a hint of sarcasm.

'That sounds like Security Chief Wiff to me sir.' offered Biker helpfully.

'Listen to me you dosey cretinious pleb, I don`t mean a humanoid of the clingon race, I mean a clingon of the I`ve run out of toilet paper variety do you understand me Commander.'

'Er yes I think so sir.' said the even more perplexed Biker.

'Pickarse out.' said the captain. Several of the crew on the bridge sniggered. Biker wasn`t sure whether they were laughing at him or the captain signing off.

'May I be of help?' asked commander Ditto the synthetic, realistic, human like robot bloke.

'Just possibly Ditto, tell me, what exactly did the captain mean?'

'He meant quite simply that he has run out of toilet tissue. I believe he was hoping you`d pick up his hints without alerting the entire bridge.'

* * * * * *

Captains Log fardate 2907 ish, point something or other and a few days.

I have now fully recovered from my bout of Pirellian Butt Squirt and have resumed full command of the Chocolate Starfish.

We have established an orbit around Vulvan and are awaiting permission to zip to the surface.

* * * * *

'Captain the Clitai are hailing us.' said Ditto.

'Put them on screen.'

'Ah captain Pickarse I hope you are fully recovered from your bathroom problems.' said the Clitai. Pickarse glared at Biker before returning his gaze to the monitor.

'Yes thank you Ambassador Goodtongue. It is a great pleasure to be chosen by the Clitai to sign the treaty between the federation and yourselves.' said Pickarse changing the subject.

'Indeed Captain, it is a honor that the federation allowed us to have you sign the treaty. Please tell me did you have to put a supply of toilet tissue in the fridge?' asked the hooded figure deftly changing the subject back.

'No, the application of one of Dr. Slushers ointments and some unwanted advice from counsellor Dyslexia Toy was all that was required. Tell me Ambassador how are your relations with the Phallasians at the present time.'

'Up and Down Captain, Up and Down. May I ask captain? did you find it difficult to sit down as I believe Pirellian Butt Squirt is a real ring stinger.'

'No'. Fumed Pickarse. 'Ambassador I think we are moving off the point at the moment don`t you.' Said Pickarse barely containing his anger.

'You are so right Captain. How rude of me to enquire in so much detail about your sore ringpiece. Tell me did you have wind at the same time?'

'Ambassador I really must protest this is getting us no where.'

'It`s giving us a laugh though, this is going out live across Vulvan Captain. By the way permission is granted for you to zip down to the surface.' giggled Goodtongue.

'Fine we`ll be down within the hour.' Fumed the Captain. 'Pickarse out.'

Once again the crew sniggered.

Pickarse turned to Biker. 'Pill, assemble the delegation, I expect all of my senior officers to be present at the signing of the treaty'

'All sir?' asked Biker.

'Yes all.' answered Pickarse. 'Ditto, Wiff, Dr. Slusher, Geordie, no, on second thoughts Geordie can stay here.'

Biker looked dejected.

'Oh all right you can come too, just don't speak to any one unless they speak to you first.'

'What about Dyslexia?' asked Pillion.

Commander Ditto offered his opinion. 'Thats a condition where the brain is not able to distinguish the written word clearly. It was virtually eradicated by geneticists in the early 23rd century and now only remains a problem on planets whose science has not enabled them to isolate the gene responsible.'

'I believe Pill meant Counsellor Dyslexia Toy Ditto.'

'I believe you're right Captain.' said Ditto.

'Well?' said Biker.

'Well What?' asked Pickarse and Ditto in unison.

'Well, what about Dyslexia.' asked Biker.

'Don't even think about it.' Shouted Pickarse as Ditto inclined his head to reply.

'I won't even think about it!' said Ditto, not even thinking about whatever it was.

'Well?' asked Biker.

Ditto backed away from the Captains hard stare and wandered over to speak to Heavenly.

The Captain returned his attention to Biker. 'Alright but the same applies to her as to you.'

'What applies to me Crapstain Arsepick.' Said Dyslexia Toy as the door closed behind her.

'Ask Commander Biker.' groaned Pickarse with his head in his hands.

Just then Security Chief Wiff wafted onto the bridge along with his usual collection of flies.

Dyslexia turned to greet him. 'Hello Woof.' she said.

'Wiff.' replied Wiff.

'Yes but it isn't your fault is it.' said the Councillor.

'Dosey Bitch.' muttered Wiff and approached the Captain.

'Captain, I have studied the plans given to us by the Clitai and have found their security arrangements to be adequate. Each of us will carry a class 3 geezer just in case the Phallasians decide to pop up somewhere.'

'Very good mister Wiff.' Said Pickarse, his voice enjoying that subtle nasal quality associated with pinching your nostrils together to avoid unpleasent smells.

Biker grinned at the Captain. 'All Delegates present sir.' he reported.

'Good job, you'd never have found them.' muttered the Captain.

'Pardon Sir?' asked Biker.

'The Captain was just saying you'd never have found them.' said Ditto.

'No I didn't' said Pickarse.

'No you didn't did you sir.' quivered Ditto.

John Luke Pickarse made for the door. 'Come on then you lot, I can't wait to meet Goodtongue in the flesh.'

'Nor can I' said Dyslexia. 'Can he breath through his ears too?'

spray posted on Jul 27 2004 at 10:05 PM said:
Axeman posted on Jul 27 2004 at 05:30 PM said:
There were two Irishmen in a field and one fell off.....
Thats the best one and thats saying alot! lol

Seriously... I laughed more last time I was dumped than in this thread. And last time I was dumped I thought about suicide lol. *note I would never do it, afraid of death. (I did come close to drowning tho :s)
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PinkSpider posted on Jul 27 2004 at 09:12 PM said:
They are... I laughed alot at most of them. Its kinda abstract humor :)
too abstract for me.

my ideal comedy lies between ross noble and adam & joe.

900TH POST, w00t w00ty w00t!!!1!!!1111!!!1!!11!11
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White Ninja is a subjective thing, sure. I find it hilarious.

I also wrote a parody of Metal Gear Solid called Metal Gear Bollocks. The copies are lost, now, but it basically revolved around Otacon inventing an invisibility potion and then hiding into the girls' locker room, where he wasn't caught until he orgasmed and the girls were alerted to a flying stream of ejaculate coming out of the air. Oh, and Snake ended up shagging Dr. Naomi with a PSG-1. Needless to say, I wrote that several, SEVERAL years ago. Like, before I was born. AGES ago. I'm far more mature now.
spray posted on Jul 27 2004 at 10:18 PM said:
PinkSpider posted on Jul 27 2004 at 09:15 PM said:
Adam and Joe are pretty cool. Adam and Joe in Tokyo was esp good :)
rocked my world!

just got done d/l the full series from bittorrent!

must get :)

hard to trype atrm :s
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PinkSpider posted on Jul 27 2004 at 09:19 PM said:
spray posted on Jul 27 2004 at 10:18 PM said:
PinkSpider posted on Jul 27 2004 at 09:15 PM said:
Adam and Joe are pretty cool. Adam and Joe in Tokyo was esp good :)
rocked my world!

just got done d/l the full series from bittorrent!

must get :)

hard to trype atrm :s
make sure you type adam joe, not adam and joe as that brings up nothing!

adam joe

rico, i'm saddened, deeply, deeply saddened.
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