Theres an Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman adrift at sea, their motorboat has run out of fuel and despite them all checking before they set out, the spare can of petrol for their motorboat's engine seems to be missing. They are drifting for weeks and its only after they run aground on a desert island that they realise the keys to the boat are missing too, by this time they are starting to run out of food.
So they decide to divide up the remaining provisions equally splitting all the food and drink into equal thirds - there's enough food for 1 good meal each but all there is to drink is the Scotsman's hip-flask of whiskey which after some persuasion he agrees to divide between them, again into equal thirds.
The Englishman goes off to forage for food, the Scotsman begins to build a shelter and the Irishman guards the food and drink supply from possible wild animals. After a few hours the Englishman comes back empty-handed, after exploring he comes to the conclusion that there is not enough safe edible food for them to survive. By the time the Englishman returns the Scotsman Has built a good shelter which would last a long time barring any freak weather phenomena, and so the two sit down to eat and drink, this is when they find that the Irishman has fallen asleep. Each of the food piles looks a little smaller than it was before. "Hey! Wake up! where's the Whiskey?" the Englishman asks. "I only ate a little of the food, was hungry because of all the guarding." the Irishman replies. "Where's the Whiskey?" the Englishman repeats as the Scotsman is looking increasingly worried. "it WAS in here" said the Irishman waving the empty hip-flask "but i had to drink through your third and your third to get to my third, then i got all sleepy." the Irishman explained. After restraining the Scotsman, the Englishman convinces the others that they had better think of a way to be rescued so they all eat whats left of the food and rest up for the night.
As morning comes the men wake up hungry and although they find no food after some searching they find an island off shore which they might be able to swim to. The Englishman cant swim, and because he's the strongest swimmer the Scotsman volunteers to swim out to the island in the distance and get help. So off he swims and a day later he returns, when asked how it went he said "There's people with boats and food and water, but they canae understand ma accent." and so the Irishman is sent to swim off to the island, and he returns in a shorter time than it took the Scotsman. When the Irishman is asked how he got on he said this "Oh I never made it to the island, I swam half-way out and realised that if i swam any further i wouldn't be able to swim back."
After another few days without food and water the men seem resigned to their fate and begin discussing which of them will be eaten first so that the others can survive a little longer. The Englishman argues that his dry British humour can buoy their spirits as the end nears, so you cant eat him. The Scotsman claims that his flesh would be too tough for the others to eat, so you cant eat him. Convinced of each-others arguments the pair resolve to eat the Irishman on the grounds that he's eaten most of the food and drank all of the whiskey.In his defense the Irishman said this: "You can't eat me because i'm the one with the petrol can and the keys to the boat."